Do I really want to know?
I got an anonymous comment on one of my recent posts asking me what my opinion was on revealing past relationships. I guess the commenter wanted to get my point of view on what a desi girl could handle. This definitely got me thinking and thought I should elaborate on a few of my thoughts. This is ofcourse only my opinion and I definitely think that the answer differs on a per-case basis.
How much is too little?
When I meet a person, I definitely want to know if the guy has dated before. Anyone in their mid-late 20s who has a similar social background as mine, better have had at least one relationship. Ofcourse there is nothing wrong if they haven't, but I am human and I will not stop wondering - whats wrong with him? I don't even think I will be too comfortable dating such a guy.
What about the details?
Info of interest to me is who/what type of girl he dated, why he broke up, level of relationship (fling, parents involved, live-in, engagement?). But the reason I would want to know this information is because I am 100% sure that I won't take it negatively. I wouldn't reject a person because of a broken engagement. A broken engagement might help me learn that the guy is looking for an engagement level relationship. The various break up reasons would help me understand what is really important to him. Maybe he broke up cause his parents disagreed or religious reasons. From that, I can then be kind of sure that if we are not the same religion, chances are I will be out too. The types of girls he dated can be a tricky one ... it tells me what type of a girl he is looking for but also shows me what type of girls didn't work out for him. SO not sure how I would use that info. Nevertheless, when it's taken as 'info', it can come in handy. Have to be careful cause none of these are 'definite' but it kinda helps us get an idea.
How much is too much?
I would definitely not want to know what turned her on or how hot she was or how many times, where all ... blah blah! If you give me that information ... God save you! :P
Again, this is info I know I can handle and so this is also the level of information I feel comfortable sharing. A lot of people say and think they can handle more than this, but when the crisis time comes, we start to use the sensitive details (knowingly or unknowingly) to hit the other below the belt and we all know that is sooo not nice.
Warning: I have met a few who can't even handle the 'number'! So again, this isn't the bible but I think is probably what the average desi would agree on! What say?
How much is too little?
When I meet a person, I definitely want to know if the guy has dated before. Anyone in their mid-late 20s who has a similar social background as mine, better have had at least one relationship. Ofcourse there is nothing wrong if they haven't, but I am human and I will not stop wondering - whats wrong with him? I don't even think I will be too comfortable dating such a guy.
What about the details?
Info of interest to me is who/what type of girl he dated, why he broke up, level of relationship (fling, parents involved, live-in, engagement?). But the reason I would want to know this information is because I am 100% sure that I won't take it negatively. I wouldn't reject a person because of a broken engagement. A broken engagement might help me learn that the guy is looking for an engagement level relationship. The various break up reasons would help me understand what is really important to him. Maybe he broke up cause his parents disagreed or religious reasons. From that, I can then be kind of sure that if we are not the same religion, chances are I will be out too. The types of girls he dated can be a tricky one ... it tells me what type of a girl he is looking for but also shows me what type of girls didn't work out for him. SO not sure how I would use that info. Nevertheless, when it's taken as 'info', it can come in handy. Have to be careful cause none of these are 'definite' but it kinda helps us get an idea.
How much is too much?
I would definitely not want to know what turned her on or how hot she was or how many times, where all ... blah blah! If you give me that information ... God save you! :P
Again, this is info I know I can handle and so this is also the level of information I feel comfortable sharing. A lot of people say and think they can handle more than this, but when the crisis time comes, we start to use the sensitive details (knowingly or unknowingly) to hit the other below the belt and we all know that is sooo not nice.
Warning: I have met a few who can't even handle the 'number'! So again, this isn't the bible but I think is probably what the average desi would agree on! What say?
posted by Mommy G @ 12:24 PM
13 Comments:
At 5/08/2007 1:54 PM,
Anonymous said…
I agree that knowing a certain level of information about the "ex-es" is pretty important and can be quite telling...and yes..a BIG NO-NO to initmate details...because that will just end up making you start comparing-contrasting etc...it should not be forced though...if one is comfortable enough to share - then ok...if they are not ready yet and need time - then ok - if they don't want to ever talk about it - that's ok too - they should however be able to explain why they feel that way....just outrightly refusing without elaboration will usually confuse the other person...
At 5/09/2007 7:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
what if you meet someone mid to late 20s with absolutely no track record due to the only reason that he was not in a position to handle one? will you not empathize?
At 5/10/2007 1:16 PM,
Mommy G said…
what kind of position would that be? I did specify 'someone with a similar social background as mine' and also that the analysis is very 'case specific'. So will need to know details before empathizing!
At 5/11/2007 12:22 PM,
zaph said…
yinteresting
At 5/16/2007 4:13 PM,
Unknown said…
I think it is fairly obvious that *only* a certain information is needed -- both the amount and the nature. And at least for me, it's not the events themselves that are significant but the intent of the people involved and the circumstances that are more interesting.
On a slightly different note, it seems to me that we, Indians, are really horrible in matters of respecting others' privacy. If I don't want someone to talk about somethings about me then I shouldn't be talking about those things about them either. A case of the elusive common sense perhaps ?!
At 5/17/2007 5:41 PM,
Gaurav Gandhi said…
Accidentally landed on your blogs. Firstly I would like to praise you for well crafted and beautifully presented thoughts through these blogs. Further, I have gone through many of your blog entries and just like any other normal human being, I also tend to agree as well as disagree with you on several accounts. However, this comment pertains to current topic.
I am not sure what is the context here but when you say "When I meet a person, I definitely want to know if the guy has dated before" I assume that this meeting means either dating or something leading to serious relationship and not just a fling. Otherwise its intruding to someone's privacy. Having said that, I totally agree that by mid-20s person should have at least one relationship but solely blaming "him" for the lack of relationship by branding him as having something wrong doesn't go down my throat quite well. One should not forget the social fabric of country we came from. With no offense intended to anyone, the first thing that a desi guy normally hears after the first kiss is when are we getting married. Some desiz may not be ready for commitment so early in relationship. Others are not good at expressing themselves. Not every desi is a romeo to have the guts to approach a girl by overthrowing the rules laid by his society; a society which asks Shilpa to apologies for "kiss" and sues Richard for the "heinous" act.
Furthermore coming to details of knowing why the guy broke up. With all due respect, this query, I feel, reflects a desi mindset that its always the "guy" who broke up. Why do you think that its only the guy who initiate the breakup? Are you not looking just one side of the coin or am I missing something? Even if it is a guy, lest not forget "it takes two to tango".
I completely agree that answers to these queries you put forth will give one a fair idea of type of guy he is but then one should not forget that "we change daily". Even Darwin said so and so do my girlfriend's father and so do Mrs. Solis, my neighbor, as well as my boss. These answers can help you knowing his past and his behavior in past but not he the person.
Oh c'mon despite knowing past behavior of stock market, no theory predicts future stock behavior; trust me human behavior is much more complex and erratic than stock.
To make the long story short, yes we should try to get answers to such queries but should not base our opinion about a person on the answers one receive. This will help in avoiding 'unwanted comparison' and biased opinions. As it is known, treasure are often discovered when you explore the unexplored territory without pre-conceived notions. One never knows maybe answers to these queries stops one from exploring some hidden treasures.
In general to your blogs my opinion is sometime try to hang out with desi men who do not enjoy the company of desiz but non-desiz. You will feel a 180-degree twist in your opinions on several accounts.
Comments are welcomed
At 5/20/2007 1:57 AM,
Unknown said…
I second that, "yinteresting" . Areille's post are beyond me these days. I walk away waiting for the thing to seep in :)
At 5/20/2007 9:23 AM,
Anonymous said…
Areille, shame on me - I should have come back and checked your blog to see if you had responded to my first comment :=] but anyways better late than never! I would still like to leave the "anonymous" label on if thats ok -
You actually answered a lot of the questions I've been mulling over (for quite some time might I add). I really appreciate you taking the time to discuss in detail something which I posted as a comment. What do you think would be a good indication of how open she might be to the topic of ex-relationships? Everything else you have pretty much nailed...
I have for sure discounted someone my parents "just-find" for me unless they give me time to get to know her - I prefer to do the legwork and the heavy lifting myself but hey its my life isnt it :=]
Chao and kudos to your last blog entry!
At 5/21/2007 4:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
"But the reason I would want to know this information is because I am 100% sure that I won't take it negatively"
Are you sure? There is a negative connotation to everything that you stated you will use this information for! It may be positive from your perspective, but is definitely negative from the viewpoint of the person you are planning to date.
At 6/03/2007 5:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
As much as I know this will be called Sexist, Women do hold on to a lot of Information and will constantly remind you of it 5 yrs later. Do most men feel they're facing a losing battle by revealing too much?? Yes. Is it right to hold on to a lot of the information? Debateable. But if you knew something was gonna be used against you, would you let it out??
And don't be eager to know too much. You may either get too little and too much( a can of worms), and you know how much either of those can really get annoying
At 6/10/2007 11:45 AM,
Anonymous said…
Arielle,
First, I want to congratulate you on your excellent blog...I'm not much of a blogger (in fact this is my first post anywhere:D) and I stumbled across this via orkut:). You've done an excellent job with each of your posts, very lucid rational thinking, great stuff! I can identify with a lot you discuss.
I personally would have a problem with someone who I'd consider as potential marriage-material, to have had flings "just for the heck of it" --> does indicate a shallow character and I don't believe that that kind of nature would change so easily after marriage. Marriage requires both persons in it to be COMMITTED to the relationship, accepting all his/her faults. The fact is that no one is perfect and a "shallow" person would definitely have less of a chance coming to terms with the life-long committment, if he is used to a "swinging" lifestyle.
Now, many people may not have a problem with the above, after all, you have to hope and believe the "shallow" person will change if you do fall in love with him/her. But personally, for me, I would obviously want to increase my chances of making the marriage work, hence, flingy men are out (yup, I'm a woman;))
I would have no problems being pally with a shallow personality (platonically speaking!) but marriage would be a big NO-NO! And hence, I would happily consider someone with no prior "track-record" as long as he believes in the philosophy stated above:)
"The Wise seek Joy, while Fools seek Pleasure". Yup, I'd definitely go for The Wise:)
At 6/21/2007 10:38 AM,
Anonymous said…
My reply is to Gaurav Gandhi specifically.
You seem to have misunderstood most of what Areille's post was about (perhaps intentionally so?)
1. "I assume that this meeting means either dating or something leading to serious relationship and not just a fling. Otherwise its intruding to someone's privacy. "
Yes she is talking about relationships. It wasn't explicitly stated, but it is pretty obvious.
2. "but solely blaming him for the lack of relationship by branding him as having something wrong doesn't go down my throat quite well"
She clearly stated : "Ofcourse there is nothing wrong if they haven't, but I am human and I will not stop wondering - whats wrong with him?". It's her personal opinion regarding whether she would be comfortable dating him, and she did mention:
"This is ofcourse only my opinion and I definitely think that the answer differs on a per-case basis."
It's a genuine concern when someone hasn't been in a relationship before maybe because you're worried that they haven't learned what they want and don't want in a relationship. (after your first relationship you very often wonder... "what was I thinking??")
3. Also remember that she mentions "Anyone in their mid-late 20s who has a similar social background as mine...", implying that its already established that the person shes talking about comes from a similar background/culture/wavelength . She's being realistic here in what kind of person she'd be interested in, and not generalizing her opinion to every male on earth.
4. "Why do you think that its only the guy who initiate the breakup? "
Selective inference on your part eh? She did not imply it was the guys fault... you just assumed it was. Just because she said "..what type of girl he dated, why he broke up..." doesn't mean the HE was responsible for breaking it up. With that logic you could infer that HE was dating HER, and not the other way around. Absurd.
4. "but then one should not forget that "we change daily".
To use your own quote "One should not forget the social fabric of country we came from". Sure, people change, but society doesn't change as fast. Knowing whether a relationship did not work out for religious reasons, social reasons, parental reasons or a combination of the above is very valuable information when getting into a new relationship. As an example a girl tells me "My parents did not want me to marry [guy X] because he wasn't of [caste Y]." Uh oh, now I find out I'm of [caste Y], so theres a VERY VERY large chance this isn't going to work out. Good to know.
Bottom line : Yes, there is an exception to every rule, and she has mentioned that too. These thoughts were posted as an answer to someones question about her personal opinions, and she has expressed that very clearly and interestingly.
I understand that not everyone would agree with it or understand it, but some of your comments seemed like you were trying hard to misunderstand what she was saying.
At 7/27/2007 8:20 AM,
Unknown said…
Past is past always look for the present......comparison always puts into confusion.....accept the truth as it is.......
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